Joke Thread

[Mac9192]

Little Johnny went to his dad one day and said "dad can I get a new bike, mines getting wore out?" His dad told him "son, times are tight around here, the car's broke down and we have this mortgage on the house. Sorry Johnny but not right now."
The next day little Johnny was packing his suitcase in his bedroom and his dad walked in on him and said "son where you going?" He said "dad, I'm leaving!" "Leaving? What you talking about?" Johnny replied, "last night I walked by your bedroom and I heard you in there telling mom you're coming, and I heard her screaming I'm coming too!" Hell y'all not sticking me with a broke down car and a mortgage!"

 

[Dattier]

Dude says to the bartender, "See that shot glass down at the other end of the bar? I bet you $500 I can piss into it from here without spilling a single drop."
The bartender looks at the shot glass, a good 15, 16 feet away.
"No way. $500? You're on!"
The guy gets up on top of the bar, unzips, aims... and then starts peeing everywhere. It hits the bar, the barstools, the mirror behind the bar, the bartender -- everywhere. Hardly a drop gets to the shot glass at all.
"Haha!" says the bartender. "Pay up!" The guy pays up, then leaves.
Another customer starts swearing and shaking his head.
"What's the matter with you?" asks the bartender.
The man replies, "That guy just bet me $5000 he could pee all over you and your bar and you'd like it!"

 

[dukiejay]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

 

[Mac9192]

Three friends, all midgets, were standing around one day talking about winning an award. The first said "I'm gonna win first place for the smallest hands." The second said "I'm gonna win first place for the smallest feet." The third said "I'm gonna win first place for the smallest penis!"
They all met back up a few days later and the 2 that won for the hands and feet were happy. They looked at their buddy who was obviously upset and said what's wrong pal?" He said "WHO IN THE HELL IS HART!!!"

 

[hart2chesson]

Three friends, all midgets, were standing around one day talking about winning an award. The first said "I'm gonna win first place for the smallest hands." The second said "I'm gonna win first place for the smallest feet." The third said "I'm gonna win first place for the smallest penis!"
They all met back up a few days later and the 2 that won for the hands and feet were happy. They looked at their buddy who was obviously upset and said what's wrong pal?" He said "WHO IN THE HELL IS HART!!!"

Young man I bet you wish the ladies called you "Big Mac!" hahaha OFC

 

[skysdad]

A pretty tough old cowboy's time to meet his maker came and he met St.Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter ask the cowboy of any good he had done in the world. "Well I can think of one good thing I've done. I was riding down the highway when I saw a gang of bikers roughing up this young girl. I decided I needed to help her out so i got out of my truck and went up to the biggest, meanest looking, stinkyest one of them there and backhanded him and ripped out his nose ring , threw on the ground and told them all to hit the road and leave her alone. " "When did this happen." said St. Peter. "Oh about 30 minutes ago I guess." OFC

 

[Mac9192]

This guy, Earl, goes to the doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor was concerned with his blood pressure being really high. Earl said "it's my wife Doc. She's driving me crazy! I can't take her no more. I'd like to get rid of her."
The Dr said "what you talking about, get rid of her?" He said "yeah get rid of her! Don't you have any pills or something I could slip in to her drink or something without her knowing that could you know put her to sleep permanently?" "You mean kill her!!? Earl, we can't talk like this anymore. I'm your doctor and won't have that kind of talk."
Earl said "come on doc, help me out, the hag is killing me!" The doctor thought for a minute and said "ok, here's what we can do. There's these turbo sex pills. They have been proven to increase a man's sex drive by 1000%. I'll give you a free trial for 30 days. Off the record, you will 'you know what' her to literally death."
A little more than 3 weeks later the doc was out at the mall and saw this guy being pushed in a wheel chair, with an IV running into his arm. When he got close enough, he saw it was Earl all limped over. "Earl what the heck has happened to you man!!?" Earl struggled to get his head up, and as he did, slowly raised his arm up, held up 3 fingers and muttered "Don't worry Doc, 3 more days and she'll be dead."

 

[Dad2ze]

Little Johnny went to his dad one day and said "dad can I get a new bike, mines getting wore out?" His dad told him "son, times are tight around here, the car's broke down and we have this mortgage on the house. Sorry Johnny but not right now."
The next day little Johnny was packing his suitcase in his bedroom and his dad walked in on him and said "son where you going?" He said "dad, I'm leaving!" "Leaving? What you talking about?" Johnny replied, "last night I walked by your bedroom and I heard you in there telling mom you're coming, and I heard her screaming I'm coming too!" Hell y'all not sticking me with a broke down car and a mortgage!"

Thanks to you I have my entire house awake from laughing so hard.

 

[Mac9192]

Thanks to you I have my entire house awake from laughing so hard.

Sorry Dad2ze, but don't blame me, blame Johnny. Haha

 

[dukiejay]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

 

[dukiejay]

Little Johnny's father asked for his report card.

Johnny replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

 

[Mac9192]

Little Johnny and his parents were having breakfast and he told his parents something was really bothering him. His dad said "what's wrong?" "Last night I went to the bathroom and heard some noise from y'all's room. I looked in and saw mommy on top of you bouncing around and it really shook me up!"
His parents looked at each other, embarrassed, and finally his mother said "uh, uh your dad gets air built up in his belly and I um bounce on him to work it out." "Ain't doin no good."
"What you mean honey, that it's doing no good?"
"Well every morning after you leave for work the neighbor comes over and she blows dad back up again."

 

[hart2chesson]

Little Johnny and his parents were having breakfast and he told his parents something was really bothering him. His dad said "what's wrong?" "Last night I went to the bathroom and heard some noise from y'all's room. I looked in and saw mommy on top of you bouncing around and it really shook me up!"
His parents looked at each other, embarrassed, and finally his mother said "uh, uh your dad gets air built up in his belly and I um bounce on him to work it out." "Ain't doin no good."
"What you mean honey, that it's doing no good?"
"Well every morning after you leave for work the neighbor comes over and she blows dad back up again."

Priceless!!!

 

[dukiejay]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully, he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ****ing beautiful!'"

 

[dukiejay]

One more from little Johnny before bed.....

Teacher: "Why did you laugh?" Boy: "I saw a strap of your bra." Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for the next 1 week. Another boy laughs..." Teacher: "Why did you laugh?" Boy: "I saw both straps of your bra." Teacher: "Get out! Don't come to class for next 1 month." The teacher bends to pick a chalk and little Johnny starts walking out of the class. Teacher: "Why are you going out?" Johnny: "With what I saw I think my school days are over."

 

[skysdad]

That little Johnny must have been a piece of work as my dad used to say when describing someone who had to be a handful to parents and teachers. OFC

 

[Mac9192]

There was this job opening for a salesman in this mega store that sold everything. This young guy comes in for the job, the manager asks him if he has any experience in sales. The guy tells him he has some so the manager decides to give him a shot. He tells him to be in at 9 and they close at 7.
On arrival, the manager gives him a quick rundown and to report back to him at 6:30 to follow up on his first day. At 6:35, he goes to his office and is asked how it went. "I think it went ok." "Ok? How many sales did you make?" "One." "You only made one sale? I thought you had sales experience? My salesmen average 15 sales a day! Well just curious but how much was this sale for?" The young guy told him "$139,759.00. "What the Hell!, Holy Sh•*!!! Please explain!!"
"Well this guy comes in and I showed him this fishing rod, and he said he will be going to the coast, so I got him the Pro Caster ocean rod, asked about his boat. He said he didn't have one so I sold him the Ocean Liner with the twin Mercury motors, then asked him what he was pulling it with. He said a Camry, I said that ain't big enough so sold him the Ram 3500 with the 6.7 High Output Diesel." You got all that with a fishing rod?" How the Heck?!" "Actually he came in and asked what aisle the tampons were on and I said dude your day is screwed, you should go fishing!!"

 

[skysdad]

Big Johnny forgot his anniversary. His wife was so upset that she told him if there wasn't a present in the driveway the next day that would go from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds he would be history. Big Johnny being who he has been all of his life left a nicely wrapped package in the drive and inside was a new state of the arts bathroom scales. This might be the last Big Johnny joke because he's been missing ever since OFC

 

[Mac9192]

Little Johnny was eating a bowl of cereal one day and his dad came up to him and said "son it's time we have the talk." Johnny dropped his spoon and said "Oh no we're not!" "Why not son, what's wrong?" "Well when I was 10 you told me Santa wasn't real, then the next year you told me the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy weren't real either, so if you're about to tell me grown ups don't really have sex then what will I have to live for!?"

 

[Mac9192]

Sky's dad went to the doctor one day. He came back home and was all happy. His wife asked why he was so giddy. He said "well I went off and left my insurance info and drivers license here and the nurse said I had to prove I was as old as I said I was. To show her that I'm an old fart, she asked me to unbutton my shirt. I did, and she knew I was an old fart when she saw all the gray hair on my chest. How about that honey?" "Well if you would have unbuttoned your pants, they would have given you disability!"

 

[hart2chesson]

Sky's dad went to the doctor one day. He came back home and was all happy. His wife asked why he was so giddy. He said "well I went off and left my insurance info and drivers license here and the nurse said I had to prove I was as old as I said I was. To show her that I'm an old fart, she asked me to unbutton my shirt. I did, and she knew I was an old fart when she saw all the gray hair on my chest. How about that honey?" "Well if you would have unbuttoned your pants, they would have given you disability!"

Note: I liked it because I am sure this applies to all us "old farts!"

OFC

 

[skysdad]

Sky's dad went to the doctor one day. He came back home and was all happy. His wife asked why he was so giddy. He said "well I went off and left my insurance info and drivers license here and the nurse said I had to prove I was as old as I said I was. To show her that I'm an old fart, she asked me to unbutton my shirt. I did, and she knew I was an old fart when she saw all the gray hair on my chest. How about that honey?" "Well if you would have unbuttoned your pants, they would have given you disability!"

Very true. LOL OFC

 

[skysdad]

Note: I liked it because I am sure this applies to all us "old farts!"

OFC

Just remember this. You are not a real man until you can grow hair out of your ears. OFC

 

[skysdad]

Big Johnny went to work one day and informed all of his co-workers that the boss man told him he was going to get to be the boss that day. Now Big Johnny wasn't the brightest light on the job site but he did have a beautiful wife. One of his co-workers said " Johnny if the boss man made me the boss for the day I just think I would take the day off and go home." " Oh no can't do that ." Big Johnny said. "Why not " ask his buddy. "If I go home I might get caught by the boss man and we don't want that to happen." OFC

 

[skysdad]

Sky's dad went to the doctor one day. He came back home and was all happy. His wife asked why he was so giddy. He said "well I went off and left my insurance info and drivers license here and the nurse said I had to prove I was as old as I said I was. To show her that I'm an old fart, she asked me to unbutton my shirt. I did, and she knew I was an old fart when she saw all the gray hair on my chest. How about that honey?" "Well if you would have unbuttoned your pants, they would have given you disability!"

Funny thing about the hair on my chest. Back in the day before I was an old fart and played pick up bb we would go 5 on 5 shirts vs. skins of course. Whatever team I was on was always the shirts because the guys said with my shirt off I looked like I had a mohair sweater on. They would say" Ponarkel ( that's what they called me)" take off your shirt". I would say " it is off." We had a lot of nicknames out there. Nubbin, Slab, Cotton, Flop, Skeet, Pencil ,Killer, Rock, and Big Drunk OFC

 

[gottagonow]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’

 

[skysdad]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, ‘What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.’ ‘I don’t need to outrun the bear,’ the first guy says. ‘I just need to outrun you.’

Lot of truth there gotta. How you doing with the health issue. I think of you often but just fail to ask and how's Mike Irby coming along with his. OFC

 

[gottagonow]

Lot of truth there gotta. How you doing with the health issue. I think of you often but just fail to ask and how's Mike Irby coming along with his. OFC

Thank you for asking and thinking of me Sky. I'm actually doing pretty well and have much to be thankful for compared to others. My doctors visit last week showed my CBC or blood levels holding steady. Not normal by any means but enough to keep me on track of becoming an ornery old man. I think my wife is about tired of me already this summer and ready to get back to the classroom for school to start. I have't seen anything relating to Irby's health in months but I know he was having a very difficult time with blood transfusions and his blood CBC.

How about you and the wife? I hope life has been less stressful since her Moms passing last year and you are able to get away more.

 

[denverexpat]

Kid walks into the kitchen and asks his Dad

"Hey Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

 

[skysdad]

Thank you for asking and thinking of me Sky. I'm actually doing pretty well and have much to be thankful for compared to others. My doctors visit last week showed my CBC or blood levels holding steady. Not normal by any means but enough to keep me on track of becoming an ornery old man. I think my wife is about tired of me already this summer and ready to get back to the classroom for school to start. I have't seen anything relating to Irby's health in months but I know he was having a very difficult time with blood transfusions and his blood CBC.

How about you and the wife? I hope life has been less stressful since her Moms passing last year and you are able to get away more.

We are doing ok. My wife is still adjusting and has her moments. Thanks for asking. OFC

 

[skysdad]

Instead of calling it boobsweat they should call it humidititties. OFC

 

[Dattier]

Kafka's Joke Book...
Among my favorites:

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” Alois asked again, more insistently.
“Knock knock.”
And so it went for years. It wasn’t until his deathbed Alois realized he was on the outside of the door.

Yo momma’s so fat, that she hasn’t left the flat in three years. Her only solace is the figurine of the ballet dancer that she stares at day in day out. One day, you slip on a banana peel, destroying it.

 

[Dukesince90]

Kafka's Joke Book...
Among my favorites:

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” Alois asked again, more insistently.
“Knock knock.”
And so it went for years. It wasn’t until his deathbed Alois realized he was on the outside of the door.

Yo momma’s so fat, that she hasn’t left the flat in three years. Her only solace is the figurine of the ballet dancer that she stares at day in day out. One day, you slip on a banana peel, destroying it.

What the ....

 

[skysdad]

Wife: I feel fat, old and ugly and I need you to pay me a compliment.
Husband : You eye sight is perfect. OFC

 

[Dattier]

What the ....

You probably have to have a bit of experience w/ Kafka for the humor to click. He's admittedly unusual and an acquired taste.

 

[skysdad]

A man walking behind his wife comments to her that her butt looks like an old washing machine moving from side to side. That night he decides to get a little frisky and she tells him that the old washing machine is not gonna be used tonight for such a small load. You're gonna have to do that load by hand. OFC

 

[Mac9192]

Guru Gary went into a bar one day and saw this little monkey sitting there on top of the counter with his arms crossed. He asked the bartender what the story was on it. The man pulled a little hammer out from under the counter and popped the monkey on the head. The monkey hopped down behind the bar and unzipped the bartenders pants and gave the bartender a you know what.
Gary sat there wide eyed, then the monkey put his you know what up, zipped the mans pants back up, then jumped back into the same position as before.
Gary said "Wow that was the coolest thing I've ever seen!"
The bartender said "would you like to try it?" Gary said "Yeah just don't hit me as hard as you did that monkey!"

 

[hart2chesson]

Guru Gary went into a bar one day and saw this little monkey sitting there on top of the counter with his arms crossed. He asked the bartender what the story was on it. The man pulled a little hammer out from under the counter and popped the monkey on the head. The monkey hopped down behind the bar and unzipped the bartenders pants and gave the bartender a you know what.
Gary sat there wide eyed, then the monkey put his you know what up, zipped the mans pants back up, then jumped back into the same position as before.
Gary said "Wow that was the coolest thing I've ever seen!"
The bartender said "would you like to try it?" Gary said "Yeah just don't hit me as hard as you did that monkey!"

A+!

OFC

 

[dukiejay]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”

“I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"

She looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???”

“DO IT!” he demands. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”

 

[dukiejay]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult surgery. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. She takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,”Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely… A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”