Joke Thread

[dukiejay]

It's the offseason....our 2017-18 roster is set, the UNC scandal continues and we kind of end up talking in circles. Time for a little bit of a change.

We did this a few years ago and it went over well, so I think it's time for a 'joke thread' to lighten the mood. Post your favorite joke or jokes in this thread. It's been a tough seven months for Duke fans. Let's laugh a bit.

Please keep them clean --- like PG-13ish at most....they can be one-liners or longer jokes.

I'll post a few later.

 

[dukiejay]

So there were two hunters....an experienced hunter, and an inexperienced hunter. The experienced hunter decides he's going to take the inexperienced hunter on his first deer hunting adventure. They build him a deer stand and get him all set up.

"Ok," the experienced hunter says from the ground to his friend in the deer stand. "I'm going to go sit in my stand now. If a deer comes by, shoot at it."

A few hours pass when the experienced hunter hears two shots come from the inexperienced hunter's stand. He waits a bit and then heads over there. He gets about 25 yards from the inexperienced hunter's stand and finds two dead squirrels laying there.

"What's this?" the experienced hunter asks. "I thought I told you to only shoot at deer?"

"I know, I know," says the inexperienced hunter. "First, a skunk walked by and sprayed me....but I took it. Then, a little while later, two birds flew over my head and pooped on me. Again, I took it. But when two squirrels crawled up my leg and said 'we'll eat one here and take one for later' I had enough!"

 

[Mac9192]

A guy goes to the doctor for an ingrown toe nail. Nurse takes him to room and tells him to get undressed and that doctor would be with him in a few minutes. The guy was shocked and said for an ingrown toenail you want me to take all my clothes off!? She said sorry sir but that's our policy. She closed the door. The guy was standing there unbuttoning his shirt and pants muttering "I can't believe this crap." He then heard a voice from the next room say "You think that's bad, I just come in here to fix the phone!"

 

[hart2chesson]

Marvin Austin

OFC

 

[skysdad]

Bill and Earl were two life long friends. Now Bill couldn't walk and used crutches all his life. Now Bill was pretty self sufficient but Earl really took care of him in a lot of ways.

Their lifelong dream was to tour landmarks in Europe. They went to London and visited to Big Ben went to Paris and stopped at the Eiffel Tower and went to Rome and went to The Leaning Tower of Pisa and visited The Vatican. Now being handicapped Bill couldn't go up in Big Ben or the Eiffel Tower or The Leaning Tower of Pisa but Bill had to wait on the ground because of his handicap and Earl would tell him what he could see.

After the trip Earl ran into a mutual friend of Bill and Earl's and wanted to hear about the trip. "Oh you should have been there . First we went to London, England and went to Big Ben. I got to go up inside Big Ben and could see Bill down on the ground. Bill had to stay on the ground because he's crippled you know. Then we went to Paris, France and went to the Eiffel Tower and I got to go all the way up to the top. I could see all over Paris and could even see Bill on the ground. Bill had to stay on the ground because Bill's crippled you know. Then we went to Rome, Italy and went to The Leaning Tower of Pisa. I got to go up into that tower leaning all the way up. I saw all over Rome and could see Bill waiting down on the ground. Bill had to wait on the ground, Bill's crippled you know. Then we went to The Vatican where the Pope lives and we saw the Pope standing out on a balcony. The Pope looks right at us and the next thing we know the Pope has come out of The Vatican and is walking right towards us. He walks up to Bill and puts his left hand on Bill's right shoulder and Bill's crutch flies right from in under him. Then the Pope takes his right hand and puts it on Bill's left shoulder and that crutch flies right out from in under him." "Well said the friend what happened then." Oh Bill busted his ass, Bill's crippled you know." OFC

 

[dukiejay]

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."

 

[Mac9192]

A nun come back from golfing and goes up to her superior and says "Mother Superior, I have to confess I swore out on the golf course today." Mother Superior says "my child come to my office and tell me what got you so upset."
She sits down and says "I was one under thru 4 holes and was teeing off on this par 5 that bends around to the left. I creamed one down the left center of the fairway when my ball hit a bird flying by." Mother Superior said "is that when you lost your composure?" "No no said the nun. I held it together. Then a squirrel came by and grabbed my ball!" "Is that when you swore my child?"
"Nope, I was fine Mother Superior. Then a hawk came swooping down from a tree on the other side of the fairway and grabbed up the squirrel and flew towards the green!" "Now this has to be when you lost control my child!" "No ma'am I was just watching this all happen but was calm. The squirrel broke free from the hawk's grip and fell down to the green. It ran off as the ball rolled to the cup and stopped about a foot away!!" Mother Superior leaned back in her chair, threw her arms up and said "YOU MISSED THE EFFIN PUTT!!!"

 

[Showenuff]

Have you guys seen that new movie Constipated ? Oh, my bad, it hasn't come out yet.

 

[dukiejay]

I'll stay on the golf theme....I have lots of these

Four retired men play golf together once a week for many years. One day on 16th hole that runs along side the highway, a funeral procession drives by. One of the men says to the others, "Stop and remove your hats, show some respect."

Afterward, one of the other men asked him what got into him as they had never saw their friend so moved. "I have never seen you show anybody any respect like that."

The first man replied: "Well, I was married to her for 65 years, it's the least I could do!"

 

[BuckinElkin!!]

At the UNC graduation a few years back there was a potential graduate who only needed to correctly spell "dog" in order to receive his diploma.

Well as his name was called he walked up on stage and the speaker asked, "in order to get your diploma you must spell "dog" correctly".

The student studied on it and finally said, "d...o....g".

Before the Administrator could say anything the rest of the student body starting chanting in unison, "one more try, one more try".

 

[Dattier]

A Duke fan and a UNC fan are walking down the street when they come upon a dead naked woman lying on the sidewalk. They call the police. While waiting, the Duke fan takes off his jacket and covers her, for privacy's sake. It covers her face and upper body, but stops at the waist, leaving her still exposed from there down. The UNC fan takes off his Carolina hat and places it over the woman's crotch.

When the police arrive, the detective walks around, takes notes, glances under the Duke jacket, takes some more notes. Then he lifts the UNC hat, gasps, drops his notepad and pencil, and puts the hat back down. He shakes his head as if to clear his eyes, then looks again. He gasps again, then stands there, slack-jawed and bewildered.

Together, the Duke fan and Carolina fan start asking what he found. Is it a clue? Did he solve it? The police officer looks at them and says, "It's not that. It's just it's the first time I've seen anything other than an a-hole under a UNC hat."

 

[Mac9192]

A man and his wife were out golfing together and he sliced his drive over behind an old barn. He stood there scratching his head on how he could recover without too high a score. His wife said "the other side has a big door, I could hold the door while you hit it, and it's a clear shot to the green!" He took a vicious swing, and the ball hit his wife square in the side of the head. Killed her instantly.
He was out golfing with a friend about a year later at the same course. On the same hole as before he hit a slice from the teebox again. The ball was almost at the same spot as when he played with his wife. His buddy said "I'll hold the door and you can pop it right to the green." He said "heck no, I did this last time here and took a double bogey!!"

 

[dukiejay]

A pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He's playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, "Are you going to let this slide? Do something!"

So God says, "Watch this."

The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a hole-in-one and double eagle. The angel asks, "Why did you reward him?"

God says, "Who is he gonna tell?"

 

[dukiejay]

Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, "You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?"

"Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said.

"She's a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a woman. Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise." They looked at each other and said, "Sure! She can join us." Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive.

When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she'd break 80 for the first time. "Guys, I'm so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right!"

All three jumped at the opportunity. The first one looked over the putt and said, "I see it breaking 10 inches left to right." The second looked it over from all sides and said, "No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left."

The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, "Pick it up. It's good!"

 

[PixelDevil]

Here's a joke.

My social life.

 

[PixelDevil]

Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, "You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?"

"Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said.

"She's a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a woman. Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise." They looked at each other and said, "Sure! She can join us." Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive.

When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she'd break 80 for the first time. "Guys, I'm so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right!"

All three jumped at the opportunity. The first one looked over the putt and said, "I see it breaking 10 inches left to right." The second looked it over from all sides and said, "No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left."

The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, "Pick it up. It's good!"

 

[Mac9192]

Played golf over the weekend. The best 2 balls I hit were when I stepped on a rake.

 

[Guy Smiley]

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?














She fits into your wife's clothes.

 

[Laettner15]

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion










Because he was out-standing in his field

 

[Mac9192]

Time for a little Johnny joke:
Little Johnny was in the 3rd grade. His teacher wanted the class to take a letter from the alphabet and write the word on the chalkboard, then put that word in a sentence. Each letter that she said out loud, little Johnny raised his hand all excited for but the teacher never called on him due to his filthy mouth and she knew what he could do to each letter. When she came to the letter U she thought and thought what damage he could do. She thought she was safe, so she called on him. Proudly he went to the board and wrote URINATE. He turned to his teacher and said "urinate Ms. Smith, but if your tits were bigger, you'd be a 10!!!"

 

[Showenuff]

After a fun filled trip to the local farm, the Kindergarten teacher began to ask the class various sounds they had hear during the day. Sally raised her hand. MOOOOOOO! Very good. Michael raised his hand. QUACK ! QUACK ! Very good. Billy raised his hand..."GET OFF THAT ****ING TRACTOR !"

 

[Showenuff]

4 nuns show up to confess their sins. The first said "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. " What have you done my child? "I have seen a man penis." Splash this Holy water upon your eyes and you will be cleansed of all your sins. The second, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." What have you done my child? "I have touched a mans penis." Cleanse your hands in the Holy water and you shall be cleansed of all your sins. Now # 4 and # 3 are tussling at the back of line for position. "What is the problem my dear sisters?" #4 replies, "I wanna wash my mouth out in that water before she dips her behind it.

 

[Dattier]

Q: How many police officers does it take to push a Black man down the stairs?

A: HE FELL!

 

[Dattier]

0.27% of all Jenga games are played on 9/11.

 

[Mac9192]

There was this young man from the backwoods of Arkansas who made the Olympic wrestling team. He won his matches and was about to wrestle for the Gold medal. His coach pulled him to the side moments before and said "you're about to battle the Russian, and he's never been beaten in competition before, but you can beat him! Just don't let him put you in the pretzel, no one has ever gotten out. If you win there will be parades, endorsements, and pretty girls all wanting you! Are you ready?" "Yes sir!" said the anxious American.
The American was winning a close match as time was starting to run out. The crowd started chanting "USA USA and waving flags. The coach turned to the crowd, pumped his fist, turned back to the match just as the mighty Russian snatched him into the dreaded pretzel hold. The coach threw his arms up, turned to walk away, and was totally distraught. He heard an explosion of cheers from the crowd, turned to the match and saw the ref with his wrestlers arm raised. He was overcome with emotion and sprinted to his wrestler. "You're the champion, but how did you get out of the hold, HOW!!?
The young American was short of breath and exhausted but said "Coach, I heard the crowd, started thinking about parades and pretty girls and money and stuff, and next thing I know I'm put in some hold that had me hurting in places I didn't know could hurt! I was about to give up when I saw the biggest set of nads in front of my face. I did what I thought I should do sir and let me tell you one thing, A man don't know how strong he is til he bits himself in the nuts!!"

 

[Kobe #1]

A young blonde women is distraught because she thinks her husband is having an affair. The next day she goes out and buys a handgun. A couple days later she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She takes the gun out of her purse and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde laughs and responds to him "shut up you asshole.....your next".

 

[Duke1783]

What has 9 arms and sucks...Def Leppard

 

[Kobe #1]

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.

 

[Duke1783]

A guy tells the bartender: "I'm in love with a blonde chick. Well actually she's a redhead, but I didn't find that out until the third date"

 

[dukiejay]

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about basketball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. “But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.”

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered unperturbed. “We’ve got all the refs.”

 

[Duke1783]

What does the UNC grad call a Duke grad? Boss

 

[dukiejay]

The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

The next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to heaven."

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."

Tiger: "You're a day late."

 

[dukiejay]

One more before bed....

Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

She screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

 

[Mac9192]

This ones been around a while:
The CIA was interviewing applicants for a highly classified position. When they had trimmed it down to 3 potential candidates, they were told in a closed door meeting they would be an elite assassin within the agency.
They brought Mike into an office and handed him a 9mm and told him his final test was to take the pistol and go to the next room and eliminate his wife. Mike says "No sir, been married for 35 years and still love my wife, find someone else!" He was dismissed.
Tom was next and was given the same instructions. "Find someone else. My wife and I been married for 3 years and we're gonna start a family."
He too was dismissed.
Pete was then brought in. Same instructions were given to him. He said "ok" and went in and closed the door. All of the sudden there were screams and stuff hitting the walls. Pete came staggering back in a few minutes later with scratches all over his face, his clothes were torn, and he was out of breath. The director said "Pete, what the hell happened in there!?" Pete, still panting, said "Why didn't you tell me the gun had blanks, I had to choke her to death!!!"

 

[Showenuff]

Two blondes standing on separate sides of the river. First blonde yells , "How do I get on the other side ?" Second blonde yells, " Your already there !

 

[Showenuff]

Two Pollocks walking down the railroad track. One says This is the longest set of stairs I've ever climbed, the other replies , Yea and these handrails are killing my back.

 

[QC Dukie]

I don't normally talk to unx grads, but when I do, I order large fries.

 

[TheDude1]

The Carolina away.




Hah!

 

[skysdad]

The Carolina away.




Hah!

That's absolutely hilarious. OFC

 

[gottagonow]

What did the fish say when he ran into a wall in the river?

Dam!