Joke Thread
- Thread starter dukiejay
- Start date
I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you ****."
That's absolutely hilarious.OFC
I just couldn't believe I was the first one to post it!
A guy in a plaid sports coat finds out that the mailman has been boinking his wife for months. This guy is so ding dang sad that he heads to the bar to drink himself to death. After the 5th whiskey, he admits to the bartender he wants to end it all tonight because his wife was unfaithful.
The bartender says, "Look buddy, I'm not going to help you commit suicide right here in my bar. Besides, you should just turn your sorrow into anger. I, personally, would track down the man that slept with my wife and beat him to death." Hearing this, the guy jumps up excited, thanks the bartender and runs out the door.
After a few hours, the guy comes back in all disheveled, orders another whiskey and the bartender nervously asks the man, "So did you really just murder your mailman?"
The guy takes his shot of whiskey, smiles, and says, "No, but your wife really knows her way around the bedroom."
The bartender says, "Look buddy, I'm not going to help you commit suicide right here in my bar. Besides, you should just turn your sorrow into anger. I, personally, would track down the man that slept with my wife and beat him to death." Hearing this, the guy jumps up excited, thanks the bartender and runs out the door.
After a few hours, the guy comes back in all disheveled, orders another whiskey and the bartender nervously asks the man, "So did you really just murder your mailman?"
The guy takes his shot of whiskey, smiles, and says, "No, but your wife really knows her way around the bedroom."
Coach K and HOF coach Roy Williams play 18 holes of golf every Wednesday in the summer time. On this one particular Wednesday morning, Coach K brings along Coach Calipari to join the ACC coaching elite. Well this upsets Roy immensely, because now he's got to hear about five star recruits all ding dang day. At the turn, Cal goes to the bathroom and Roy grabs K aside and asks, "Why the heck did you bring that grease ball? He's ruining our day together bragging about everything." Coach K explains that Cal had called him at the last second and really needed to get away for a day. K assures Ol' Roy that this is a one time thing, and that Calipari is actually a really nice man. Roy isn't buying it after noticing that Cal didn't flush his #2 and didn't wash his hands.
On the last hole, after an entire round of loudmouth Cal and chuckling K, Roy is just ready to get back to his mini fridge of Coca-Cola. Calipari sticks his approach 5 feet from the cup. While lining up his final putt, Cal notices a funeral procession passing by in the distance. Cal steps away from his ball, kneels down to pray for moment, wipes away a tear, and calmly sinks his putt. Seeing this display of emotion, Roy starts to wonder if K had been right all along. Maybe Cal really is a man of grace and integrity?
Cal says nothing while walking back to the clubhouse, and K and Roy are humbled by what they have witnessed. Roy pulls Cal aside and says, "That was really special what you did back there." Calipari just grins and says, "Heck, that was the least I could do for the poor woman. We were married for 30 years!"
On the last hole, after an entire round of loudmouth Cal and chuckling K, Roy is just ready to get back to his mini fridge of Coca-Cola. Calipari sticks his approach 5 feet from the cup. While lining up his final putt, Cal notices a funeral procession passing by in the distance. Cal steps away from his ball, kneels down to pray for moment, wipes away a tear, and calmly sinks his putt. Seeing this display of emotion, Roy starts to wonder if K had been right all along. Maybe Cal really is a man of grace and integrity?
Cal says nothing while walking back to the clubhouse, and K and Roy are humbled by what they have witnessed. Roy pulls Cal aside and says, "That was really special what you did back there." Calipari just grins and says, "Heck, that was the least I could do for the poor woman. We were married for 30 years!"
A doctor is trying to console a couple after he delivers their baby boy and realizes the boy was born without eyelids. Frantic, the couple asks the doctor what the options were. The doctor tries to calm the couple down, explaining there is a procedure he can do. He tells them when he circumsizes the boy he can take the skin and sew it on to make eyelids. The couple amazed, ask the doctor "will that really work"? The doctor says it will work, but he's gonna be a little cock eyed.
Speaking of circumcision, Show said he was circumcised at birth at dang near couldn't walk for a year
a unc basketball player walks into class
When I think integrity, I think UNC.
The other day I saw a sign that made me crap myself.
It said "Bathroom Closed"
It said "Bathroom Closed"
My 7-year-old tried to adapt that. It doesn't work as well when it's a dog running into the wall and the punchline stays the same.
I have an Epipen. It's very special to me. My friend who died gave it to me. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents.
It was in tents.
How many Tar Heel basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he gets money, a car, 3 credit hours, and a banner in his honor.
OFC
Only one, but he gets money, a car, 3 credit hours, and a banner in his honor.
OFC
The NCAA made them take down the BANNER for PJ, bit he got everything else Dirt!!!!
OFC
Heard that Guru Gary got married. His bride, before the big day, went to the doctor for a checkup. She explained to her doctor how wonderful Gary was, but he wasn't the sharpest crayon in the box. "Doc, he thinks I'm a virgin! What can I do to make him believe that?" The doctor scratched his head, said medically there was nothing anyone could do. She pleaded for him to help, they were getting married in 2 days. The doctor left for a few minutes. He came back with a big rubber band and said "slide this around your upper thigh, and at moment of penetration, snap the band and tell him that was your virginity popping." She was so excited.
On their honeymoon night, things were getting heated. Just as the moment happened, she popped the band. "What was that,!? cried Gary. His bride said "nothing honey, that was my virginity snapping." Gary, with tears streaming down his face, cried "Snap it again Damnit, its got my balls!!!!"
On their honeymoon night, things were getting heated. Just as the moment happened, she popped the band. "What was that,!? cried Gary. His bride said "nothing honey, that was my virginity snapping." Gary, with tears streaming down his face, cried "Snap it again Damnit, its got my balls!!!!"
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An old man goes to the doctor. At the end of the visit, the doctor says, "Well, all in all, you're in pretty good shape for a 95-year-old, and I can tell you feel good. Will there be anything else?"
The old man says, "Well, Doc, my new positive attitude must be because I recently got married again!"
"Married? Really?"
"Yeah, Doc. She's 28 and BEAUTIFUL. She works as a supermodel. And get this: she's pregnant! I'm going to be a dad again! At my age! What do you think of that, Doc?"
The doctor blinks a few times, then looks over at his umbrella leaning against the wall by the door. "You see that umbrella there, sir?"
"That umbrella by the door? Sure, Doc, I see it."
"Well, last weekend I went for a walk in the woods near my house, and I heard it might rain, so I took that umbrella with me. You with me so far"
"Sure, Doc, sure. You went for a walk in the woods with that umbrella."
"And in that woods, there's a creek that runs alongside the path, and in that creek, there's a beaver dam. And right as I'm walking by, there's beaver tending to the dam, doing some maintenance or whatever they do."
"Uh-huh. I'm with you, Doc."
"And I take my umbrella and point it at that beaver like I'm aiming it, and I say, 'Pow!' and at that very moment, that beaver falls over dead. Dead as a doornail. What do you make of that?"
"Dead? You say you pointed that umbrella there? Just a plain old umbrella, Doc?"
"That's right."
"And you said 'Pow' and it fell over dead?"
"Yep. What do you make of that?"
The old man scratches his head and looks at the doctor as if the answer is fairly obvious. "Well, Doc... I guess I'd have to say that... somebody else shot that beaver."
"EXACTLY!"
The old man says, "Well, Doc, my new positive attitude must be because I recently got married again!"
"Married? Really?"
"Yeah, Doc. She's 28 and BEAUTIFUL. She works as a supermodel. And get this: she's pregnant! I'm going to be a dad again! At my age! What do you think of that, Doc?"
The doctor blinks a few times, then looks over at his umbrella leaning against the wall by the door. "You see that umbrella there, sir?"
"That umbrella by the door? Sure, Doc, I see it."
"Well, last weekend I went for a walk in the woods near my house, and I heard it might rain, so I took that umbrella with me. You with me so far"
"Sure, Doc, sure. You went for a walk in the woods with that umbrella."
"And in that woods, there's a creek that runs alongside the path, and in that creek, there's a beaver dam. And right as I'm walking by, there's beaver tending to the dam, doing some maintenance or whatever they do."
"Uh-huh. I'm with you, Doc."
"And I take my umbrella and point it at that beaver like I'm aiming it, and I say, 'Pow!' and at that very moment, that beaver falls over dead. Dead as a doornail. What do you make of that?"
"Dead? You say you pointed that umbrella there? Just a plain old umbrella, Doc?"
"That's right."
"And you said 'Pow' and it fell over dead?"
"Yep. What do you make of that?"
The old man scratches his head and looks at the doctor as if the answer is fairly obvious. "Well, Doc... I guess I'd have to say that... somebody else shot that beaver."
"EXACTLY!"
A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof - two tickets for the Queen Mary 2 appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof - the husband became 92 years old!
The moral of this story is: Men who are ungrateful should remember that fairies are female!
Go Duke!
OFC
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof - two tickets for the Queen Mary 2 appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof - the husband became 92 years old!
The moral of this story is: Men who are ungrateful should remember that fairies are female!
Go Duke!
OFC
There was a news headline on the radio which said: "There is a car driving on the interstate the wrong way." I then realised that my wife was probably on her way home from work and driving the same interstate....so I phoned her up to warn her... "Honey, be very careful because I have heard that there is a car driving the wrong way on the interstate." to which she replied: "I know there's hundreds of them."
Posted this one in the wrong thread by mistake....
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
An Irishman walks into a NYC bar and orders 3 shots of Irish whiskey. The bartender obliges.
Same thing the next day.
And the next.
FInally, on the 4th day, the bartender says, "Hey, I feel kind of silly for not mentioning it sooner, but you can get the same amount of whiskey cheaper in one glass than you can as 3 shots."
"Oh, that's okay," the Irishman says. "You see, I have 2 brothers back home in Ireland, and we used to meet for a drink every day. Now that I'm here in America, I drink 3 shots representing our brotherly love."
This continues for months. Then, one day, the man comes in, sits down, and when the bartender puts the 3 glasses down, he stops him before he pours.
"No," he says. "I won't be needin' this third one anymore. Take it away."
Stunned and saddened for his regular customer, the bartender pours 2 shots and takes the third glass away. Not knowing what to say, he busies himself behind the bar. The Irishman drinks the 2 shots and leaves.
The next day, after pouring just 2 shots, the bartender stops the Irishman before he picks one up and says, "Hey... My condolences on the passing of your brother."
"What?" the Irishman asks, looking confused.
"Your brother... who died..." the bartender says, now equally confused. "You're only taking the 2 shots now."
"Oh!" the Irishman exclaims, a smile washing over his face. "No! No, you've got it wrong. My brothers are both fine."
"Wha- Well, then why only the 2 shots?"
"Oh! Well, I quit drinking!"
Same thing the next day.
And the next.
FInally, on the 4th day, the bartender says, "Hey, I feel kind of silly for not mentioning it sooner, but you can get the same amount of whiskey cheaper in one glass than you can as 3 shots."
"Oh, that's okay," the Irishman says. "You see, I have 2 brothers back home in Ireland, and we used to meet for a drink every day. Now that I'm here in America, I drink 3 shots representing our brotherly love."
This continues for months. Then, one day, the man comes in, sits down, and when the bartender puts the 3 glasses down, he stops him before he pours.
"No," he says. "I won't be needin' this third one anymore. Take it away."
Stunned and saddened for his regular customer, the bartender pours 2 shots and takes the third glass away. Not knowing what to say, he busies himself behind the bar. The Irishman drinks the 2 shots and leaves.
The next day, after pouring just 2 shots, the bartender stops the Irishman before he picks one up and says, "Hey... My condolences on the passing of your brother."
"What?" the Irishman asks, looking confused.
"Your brother... who died..." the bartender says, now equally confused. "You're only taking the 2 shots now."
"Oh!" the Irishman exclaims, a smile washing over his face. "No! No, you've got it wrong. My brothers are both fine."
"Wha- Well, then why only the 2 shots?"
"Oh! Well, I quit drinking!"
There was this Gynocologist that was burned out, so he decided to enroll at the community college in the Automotive technology class. At the end of the year, all the students had to take a motor apart, and then put it back together in the car. The instructor then passed out all the grades, and the Dr. saw his grade was a 150. He was shocked and waited on everyone else to leave before approaching the instructor about his high grade.
"Sir I didn't sign up for this class to get special treatment, can you explain how I received a 150 when a 100 is the highest you can make? "Oh you didn't get special treatment at all!" said the instructor. "I graded you in 3 increments. On the first 50 Doc, I've never seen anyone take a motor apart as smooth as you did. On the installation, the next 50, I've never seen anyone do it as precise as you did." "Ok," said the Doc, that's 100, where's the last 50 come from?" "In all my years in automotive I've never, I mean never seen anyone do it thru the tailpipe!!"
"Sir I didn't sign up for this class to get special treatment, can you explain how I received a 150 when a 100 is the highest you can make? "Oh you didn't get special treatment at all!" said the instructor. "I graded you in 3 increments. On the first 50 Doc, I've never seen anyone take a motor apart as smooth as you did. On the installation, the next 50, I've never seen anyone do it as precise as you did." "Ok," said the Doc, that's 100, where's the last 50 come from?" "In all my years in automotive I've never, I mean never seen anyone do it thru the tailpipe!!"
So my friend was really bummed out. He was just in a bad rut emotionally. He's a big fan of puns, so I sat down and created a list of puns to try to break him out of his funk. I created 10 of them. I went over to his house and shared them with him, hoping they would cheer him up, but no pun in ten did.
A little girl asked her Mom, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The Dad answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused little girl returned to her Mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from Monkeys?" Well Dear, it's very simple; I told you about my side of the family and your Father told you about his side.
Go Duke!
OFC
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The Dad answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused little girl returned to her Mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from Monkeys?" Well Dear, it's very simple; I told you about my side of the family and your Father told you about his side.
Go Duke!
OFC
A preacher walks into the crowded lobby of the motel and announces loudly, for everyone to hear, "I do hope that the pornography channel in my room is disabled!"
The guy manning the desk looks at him incredulously and says, just as loudly, "No, it's just regular porn like everyone else's room, you sicko!"
The guy manning the desk looks at him incredulously and says, just as loudly, "No, it's just regular porn like everyone else's room, you sicko!"
Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns?
Because they take everything literally.
Because they take everything literally.
Three doctors were playing golf together. Each was a doctor in the student health systems of Duke, NC State and UNC respectively. They started talking about how easy it was to operate on students of their schools.
The NC State doc says, "State student are really easy to operate on, all there organs are color-coded so you remove it and find a donor organ of the same color and its a perfect match".
The Duke doctor says "That's great, but what if you were color blind? Duke students have all their organs bar-coded, that way there is no mistake when you need to replace one".
The UNC doc says, "Those are both great systems but UNC students are the easiest to operate on because they only have two organs: the mouth and the a$$hole, and they're interchangable".
The NC State doc says, "State student are really easy to operate on, all there organs are color-coded so you remove it and find a donor organ of the same color and its a perfect match".
The Duke doctor says "That's great, but what if you were color blind? Duke students have all their organs bar-coded, that way there is no mistake when you need to replace one".
The UNC doc says, "Those are both great systems but UNC students are the easiest to operate on because they only have two organs: the mouth and the a$$hole, and they're interchangable".
-What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Aye Matey!
-Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them
-My friend said to me what rhymes with orange? I said no it doesn't.
Aye Matey!
-Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them
-My friend said to me what rhymes with orange? I said no it doesn't.
It has been said that Will Rogers was the author of the following:
Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When your're full of bull, keep your mouth shut!
Go Duke!
OFC
Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When your're full of bull, keep your mouth shut!
Go Duke!
OFC
Old Mitch Hedberg line: I used to do drugs... I still do, but I used to, too.
This guy was flying out of Pittsburgh one day, and he approached the ticket counter. This beautiful redhead turned around to face him. He was floored by her big breasts. Her top was screaming holding them in and he gathered himself and said "Yes ma'am I need a picket to Titsburgh, I mean a ticket to Pittsburgh." Embarrassed, he turned to the guy behind him and said "I can't believe I just said that, I'm so stupid!" The guy behind him says "Pal, don't worry, we all have that happen to us. Did something similar the other night having supper with my wife. I meant to say Honey please pass the potatoes, but what come out was You arrogant hag you've ruined my life!"
What do you call a bird that drinks tequila? Tequila mockingbird.
3 guys getting ready to tee off at the local country club. 2 guys are married and one is single. A very good looking lady comes up right before tee off and asks if she can play with them and promises she will not hold them up. They agree and on the first hole she drills one right down the middle and pars the hole. She winds up shooting 2 over par for the round and the guys had such a good time that they ask her to come back the next Saturday. She agrees and this time she shoots even par. The single guy says to her that he had such a good time that he would love to see her during the week. She agrees and they begin to date for a few weeks. One night at his apartment things start to get really hot and heavy. She finally stops him and tells him that she needs to tell him something. She goes on to tell him that she is really a man. He gets so mad, turns red and begins to scream and shout and shake for a few minutes. He finally collects himself to speak and says....I just cannot believe all this time you have been hitting from red tees!
Way back in the old west days, this young guy who thought of himself as a pretty quick draw rides into this town. He gets off his horse and walks into the local saloon. He looks around and at the end of the bar he sees a guy who he knows has the fastest draw in the west. He gets up some courage and walks over to the guy and says "Excuse me sir. I know who you are and I'm not here to start any trouble. I was just wondering of you could give me a few tips on how to improve my draw". The other guys looks at him and says, "Kid, you caught me in a good mood today. Sure, why not. Lets see what you got". So the young guy pulls his gun, fires off a shot and shot one of the cuff links off the piano player. The older guy says, "Not bad, but your holster is too far up on your hip. Lower it down about 10 inches so its closer to your hand. So the young guy lowers his holster, then reaches for his gun, fires off another shot and shot the other cuff link off the piano player. The young guy is amazed that something to simple could improve his speed. "Any other suggestions sir?" The old guy says "yeah, the front of your holster. Its blocking your hammer on the revolver. Cut a notch in front." So the kid cuts a notch, then reaches for his gun and fired off a shot. He shot the bow tie off the piano player. Now the kid is completely amazed. Sir, can you give me any more advice." The older guys says Yeah, one more thing. Run across the street to the general store. Out front is a barrel of axle grease. Get the biggest hand full you can carry and bring it back." The kid runs across the street, gets the grease and flies back into the saloon. The old guy says 'Now, coat your gun with the grease. The handle, cylinder, barrel, everything. Coat it real good." The young guy asks, "Will this make me any faster on my draw?" The old guys says "No, but when Wyatt Earp finishes playing piano, he going to shove that gun up your ass. This way it wont hurt as much".
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