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OT: Corny jokes.

skysdad

skysdad

Devils Illustrated Hall of Famer
Mar 3, 2006
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We had this a couple of years ago. I think it might have been dj that started that one so let's have some corny laughs or at least chuckes.

What happens when you eat peanut butter and baked beans together?





A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass. OFC

Or ceiling in heel land.
 
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A man Is standing in front of the mirror looking at himself naked just after he gets out of the shower. It’s his 65th birthday. He says to himself in the mirror “Sky, you know you look pretty good for a 65 year old fellow. He pauses, looks down at his sexual love making device,” thinks for a few seconds and says, “and you my old friend, you would have been 65 years old today also if you were still living”.
 
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Why did the tomato quit the race? Because he couldn't ketchup. OFC
 
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

it was in tents

What did the fish say whet it swam into the wall?

dam

Why was tigger looking into the toilet?

he was looking for pooh

What did one gay sperm say to the other?

how are we supposed to find an egg through all of this crap?
 
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

We never know. It went with him to his grave. OFC
 
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Couple of true stories I'll share about two friends (Bryan and Keith)

Walk into restaurant, there are 4 of us:

Bryan - "Table for four please."
Hostess - "Do you have reservations?"
Bryan - "Not really, we've heard good things."


Multiple friends in a bar. Keith (hilarious, charming guy with a thick southern accent that suits him perfectly) approaches an attractive woman sitting at the end of the bar. She looks at him and says:

Woman - "I have a boyfriend."
Keith - "I have a math test."
Woman (snickering) - "What??"
Keith - "I thought we was talkin' 'bout things we gonna cheat on."
 
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Rookie officer pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.

Officer- Ma’am I pulled you over for speeding may I see your license?

Woman - don’t have one!

Officer - ma’am is there anything going on or anything in the vehicle I need to know about?

Woman- I’ve got a body in my trunk!

Officer steps back calls his sergeant for back up. Sergeant arrives walks up to the woman.

Sergeant- ma’am my officer said you didn’t have a license!

Woman- reaches into her pocket book hands the sergeant her license.

Sergeant- well ma’am he also says you told him you had a body in the trunk!

Woman- looks at the sergeant with a concerned face pops the trunk.

Sergeant- looks in the trunk and finds only a spare tire. Sergeants walks back up to the elderly woman’s window and before the sergeant can speak, she interrupts.

Woman -let me guess he told you I was speeding too!
 
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Why can't you hear pterodactyl's go to the bathroom?
-Because the p is silent


What did the mama buffalo say to the baby buffalo when he left for college?
-Bison


What did the grape do when it was stepped on?
-It let out a little wine.
 
There was a husband and his wife who immigrated to America from Finland. Their names were Hans and Greta. They of course had to go through Ellis Island and were being ask basic questions. Hans could not speak any english at all and Greta only broken english. "How tall is Hans" ask the agent . "Hans about a 5 foot a four. " "And how much does Hans weigh? " "Hans weigh about a 120 a pounds." " Now how tall are you Greta?" "Greta about 6 foot a six. " " And how much do you weigh?" " Greta weigh about a 270 a pounds. " " Wow said the agent. You could play with the Green Bay Packers." "No " replied Greta. " Only Hans packer. " OFC
 
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Here’s 2 of my favorite corny jokes from when I was in high school. They’re a little bit dirty so I hope it’s ok to post them

1) what do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus with a yeast infection?...itchy twitchy twat

2) say “My Dixie Wrecked” out loud
 
A funeral director was trying to tell me I should buy a coffin. I told him that's the last thing I need.
 
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Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"
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Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"
 
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Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandaddy go out to play a round of golf.

Just before the son is ready to tee off, this 5'10 Victoria's Secret Model walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them.

The guys say sure, since she is obviously a beautiful woman.

The model turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, stare at my ass or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game".

The guys say okay, and Grandad asks if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball, 260 right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, parring every hole. They get to 18, and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around sheepishly and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt.

Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy an epic blow job he will never forget. "

The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup."

The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup."

Grandaddy looks at both his kin in disgust, walks over, picks up the ball, drops it into the cup,... unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."
 
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my favorite is an old Henny Youngman joke. "I used to work as a mon back. I would stand behind the trucks and say mon back."
 
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